This is going to be another rant-ish post, similar to the one written this month 1. Hence, the writing style may seem a bit more rough and vulnerable than my usual articles. Personally, this year was significant in terms of personal, philosophical and moral development. Don’t get me wrong, it was no piece of cake to walk through. A better analogy might be walking through flaming, hot coals. It was depressing, hurtful and sad. But I made memories that I’ll remember for a lifetime, explored the labyrinths of my psyche (as to put a Nietzschean twist on it) and made strides in my philosophical thesis.
On June 13th 2022, I woke up to the chirp of a lone Greater Coucal 2. As a person struggling with clinical depression and OCD for the past five years, no amount of medication cured me of the recurring thoughts of self loathe. However, that morning, for the first time in forever, I was proud of myself. Since March, I had been following an intense CBT protocol that finally allowed me to display a healthy sense of self-love and compassion. For a person who vocally proclaims self hatred for himself, even under the guises of the tiniest mistakes, that meant a lot.
As the minute hand passed 35 minutes past 1 in the morning, maniacal laughter ensued the room. Finally, it all made sense to me. The Death of God revealed, in all its naked ghastliness. But all I could do was laugh. For we should call every truth false which was not accompanied by at least one laugh. What followed was the search for a metaphysic of morals, grounded in human reality, as opposed synthetic a priori. The search is almost done, all that remains is seeing this idea into fruition. And I’ve already begun 3
I’ll call this person the Faceless Lady. I met her before my birthday, towards the end of my CBT program. It almost felt like we were forgotten siblings, broken apart at birth, a bond unlike everything I’ve ever known. Until now the only person I felt like family was her. Maybe we were just reclaiming our broken childhoods, hoping to fill the voids of neglect, of unrequired parental love.
We travelled across the landscapes of vintage Malayalam Movies, entered fights for the fun of it and laughed as if the world would end the next day. It was us against the world. But certain things aren’t meant forever. The trauma, insecurities and the helpless children in us caught up after all. Chaos waits for the perfect moment to strike. Parting ways with the Faceless Lady was the hardest thing I ever did. But she knows where to find me, and hopefully will, if she wills so.
And she whispered, “You’ll be my favorite person, right now and forever”. Never to be seen again, the infinite hallway of dynamic rooms 4 disappeared. And the faceless lady along with it.
As fingers click and clack swiftly across the keyboard, my 2 BHK apartment seems empty. I am alone, courtesy of thy life. However, I’m not lonely. I am sad, however I don’t have regrets. I met the best person ever, matured personally and psychologically, and perhaps am starting at the death of god, taunting its mighty fangs to break it once and for all. As poignant as I am now, this moment is supremely beautiful. This year was supremely beautiful.
I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary in things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: some day I wish to be only a Yes-sayer.― Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science
Finally, I have become one. A Yes-sayer.
- The rant – the lonely and the herd. Niranjan Krishna. (2022, December 16). Retrieved December 31, 2022, from https://niranjankrishna.in/2022/12/16/the-rant-the-lonely-and-the-herd/
- Wikimedia Foundation. (2022, November 2). Greater Coucal. Wikipedia. Retrieved December 31, 2022, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greater_coucal
- After god’s death: Chapter 1 – the enlightenment. Niranjan Krishna. (2022, December 26). Retrieved December 31, 2022, from https://niranjankrishna.in/2022/12/26/after-gods-death-chapter-1-the-enlightenment
- Faceless lady. Niranjan Krishna. (2022, December 31). Retrieved December 31, 2022, from https://niranjankrishna.in/2022/12/31/faceless-lady